WHO AM I ?

 

I've been wanting to put this out for a long time, this isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of being strong for a long time there is only so much a person can take, as most people would probably think I'm a happy guy living life with a smile on my face which most of my friends across the world would think, but sadly it is not the case. What I don't tell people is I'm very good at hiding how truly hard it is for me to be happy, I feel though my life has been one uphill struggle for a long time, yes I have had girlfriends in past but nothing has ever worked out I've probably spent only 8 years worth of being in relationships, but whats would probably shock most is that I've spent 18 years of being single, ya some might say being single is great, but I'm not hardwired like that I'm a Scorpio without love, I'm nothing but an empty soul like a ghost on the wind being ignored. Bullied, hurt. discarded like a toy.

I can honestly say I've made one mistake in my life being on this planet by screwing up on one relationship by being too clingy which I can hand down say I regret because I fell hard for that one girl in my life, it broke me, she was the only one that I felt I could be myself around her, but me being stupid ruin it. Many years after it felt like a was a stepping stone to the next guy, It truly hurts me to feel this way.

I've tried to be in a relationship for 6 years which ended up just drifting about that was over 20 years ago that I had 3 beautiful children from, but due to complications with mean the ex I found it hard to be around her, it just ended up in arguments which pushed me further into the depression to the point I haven't seen our kids in years, yes some might say I'm a bad father, but you have no idea what the depression has done to me, it didn't start with her I did love her, the depression started from school life where my descent into darkness started with the bullying. Meet her did take away the disappear for a while, but the bad breakup just pushed me down further. 

I've been spent 20 years crawling myself out of a dark place, only to be placed back in that darkness with nothing but being cheated on, used and thrown aside, and abandoned by friends because I fell to disappear,  For years I've had this wall up and stop feeling, but that wall is breaking, with PTSD it breaking my further, I feel alone in a world of 7 billion people because I feel like I'm cursed to walk this world with no love, no hope of meeting anyone that will fix my break heart and soul love me for who I am, if someone looked into my eyes they would see the hurt and pain I've had to endure for the past 30 years, Now things have turned for the worst with my spine and being in a wheelchair for life I feel like the is now no hope for love in my life, as I have nothing to provide.

I am at the point in my life with no hope or reason to live, yes I know how that sound but you need to understand that I might not admit it but I'm lonely, and stuck in a life of pain and heartbreak there is only so much I can take, but I feel like a ghost of my former self walking around with an empty soul because I know if I do something that really wants to do by ending it all because this world has nothing to offer me anymore, I will break my mum heart, she the only reason why I haven't. 

Inside I feel broke while I put a fake smile on for everyone, it's just a lie to how I feel every day which I don't want to get out of bed because I feel my life is worthless, I don't want to feel this way but that just how my life is affecting me, and I feel lost with no direction or purpose in life or anything in life to look forward to, with no happiness of being in a loving relationship. 

THIS IS JUST HOW I TRULY FEEL DEEP DOWN............. that i hide!